Queer Yenta has a confession to make.

In the midst of all this matchmaking, Yenta found herself a shayne maideleh to turn over her knee and give some private tutoring. Between that and some new work, Yenta has been a little oversubscribed — although no less concerned with all of you, cookies, 

So Yenta wants to start things out with a bang to get things started, and that means a little crowd participation.

Yenta wants to know: what is the highlight of your summer so far! Have you had a little friction? Have you held hands? Perhaps turned a shayne maideleh over your knee yourself?

Tell Yenta your story here in the comments, or email to queeryenta@gmail.com. The best two stories will get a featured ad and a little present from Queer Yenta to help you keep things just right for the fall.

bubbelehs,

queer yenta is here and would like to say hello again!

school is out for the summer — friends have had their chuppah, seders have been thrown, and now queer yenta is here for you!

so what do you do, bubbelehs? you read yenta’s queer yenta how-to FAQ!

1) yenta, i’m shy! no one ever likes me! i don’t know what to say in my ad!

well, my dear, yenta recommends you take a deep breath and start again! remember that you are a gift to the world and if you have not found someone who appreciates your gift — be it the gift of your anal virginity or the gift of your hand in homo matrimony — then that has nothing to do with you. 

second of all, my dear: what do you want? be specific! a sexy tryst? someone to play cat’s cradle with? articulate it!

third of all: who are you? what makes you hot? what makes you beautiful? many things, i am sure, but try to think. yenta encourages you to press your boundaries a little: are you SURE you will only be happy with a toppy person under 5′4″ who wears stiletto heels and coral lipstick? perhaps what you would like can come in another package! be specific but be brave and daring.

2) yenta, i found someone whose ad i love! what do i do now?

well, reply! the easiest way is to do this in the comments — remember, meine kinder, that those comments are public. your name and email will be visible! 

if you are a more shy butterfly than that, then you can email yenta — queeryenta@gmail.com — and she will help you. don’t know what to say? don’t know how to say? just don’t know about making your admiration as public as a comment? email yenta. she is there for you!

3) yenta, who ARE you? where are you? why do i know i can trust you?

yenta is a group of queers from new york city who like to make sure that the queer community is well taken care of. they like to help queers in neighboring cities too, but their powers — though quite formidable! — can only do so much. 

do you need references, bubbeleh? yenta has set up many satisfied customers so far! testimonials are coming soon.

4) yenta, i am afraid that hot ad is my friend! how do i avoid making a fool out of both of us?

first of all, my dears, yenta has heard of a few friends who have seen each other in queer yenta and perhaps in part from that were able to catalyze their attraction. you never know what your little heart might find!

second of all, this is when emailing queer yenta might be just the right idea. yenta does not know everyone you know, and yenta does not know everything about your sordid past, but yenta can help a little on your behalf.

yenta also would like to take a moment to state the following: admitting desire is not the horrifying thing it was in your middle school gym class, meine kinder! my beautiful queer flowers need to remember that they have just as legitimate a right to think someone is hot as anyone else, and of course your friends are the hottest of all! yenta recommends, in the case of a moment like this turning awkward, laughing it off and perhaps having a cel-ray. 

queer yenta is so sorry to have abandoned you all in your times of need!

there was a real live queer simcha which queer yenta was honored to be a part of — marrying off two of the loveliest faygelehs you’ve ever had the joy of seeing together.

now that they’ve had their sheva brachot, my dears — it’s your turn!

new ads coming soon! those of you who have emailed yenta, you can expect a response shortly. thank you for your patience and compassion — having completed the mitzvah of dancing at a wedding, yenta can now complete the mitzvah of helping you all have a summer that is extra hot!

more soon, bubbelehs — keep your eyes peeled!

Queer Yenta has learned a valuable lesson, mein kinder, as to the wisdom of starting an important project when in the midst of many other important projects.

But there has also been  a little matchmaking here and there, my dears, do not fret. And there will be more to come!

If you are feeling like perhaps you are not getting everything you are looking for, Queer Yenta invites you to comment here — or email, queeryenta@gmail.com — with your questions, advice, queries, and hopes and dreams.

Tell your friends to do the same!

There will be more ads up soon, my dears, so until then just keep enjoying spring.

So, bubbelehs, you’ve made your way here. You see an ad you think is extra special.

What, you ask, do you do now?

You have a couple of options:

1) Post a comment in the blog! Forward but Queer Yenta endorses being forward.

2) Email Queer Yenta! queeryenta@gmail.com. She will help you make introductions.

3) Fret about it, wonder about it, ultimately do nothing and spend at least ten minutes a day for the next five weeks wondering what might have been.

Queer Yenta endorses #1 or #2. #3 is what she suspects many of you are doing; be brave, meine kinder, be brave and step  up!

Meine kinder,

Nu? Interested? Click here already!

Ad #3:
looking for a smartypants artist or an arty academic who loves women and loves being a woman. i am a city mouse and a country mouse looking for the same. someone who thinks the thought of someday bringing kiddos along to international film festivals & shoots actually sounds fun. fancy parties make me happy and messy gardens do, too. i believe in moderation. in passion. in justice. i like people who manifest their dreams, who see the glass at least half full, who are patient but not passive. i’d like to go to lebanon in poppy season, holland when the tulips are blooming. not a fan of bars unless they are filled with friends. prefer outdoors to in, quiet to loud, homecooked vs. takeout. i love adventures, i love running water, i love animals in nature but unfortunately i just don’t like cats. the getting to know you thing is fun for me, the rushing into things thing isn’t.

picky, yes, but these things are best on the table from the start… i like tall. won’t date a zionist. and you gotta be at least 30, or close, very close.
Interested? I would hope so!

Ad #4: dyke seeks fag for hot queer times – ftwtf4mtwtf
I’m a perverted genderqueer that looks like a dyke, fucks like a fag/dirty old man/occasionally femme porn star, and I’m super hot for flamboyantly queer men. I love camp sensibilities and communication skills between the sheets and in the streets. I’m smart, sassy, a jewish anarchist, and a damn good time. I make crush art. Charm my pants off, boys!
+ if you are obsessed with things, appreciative of chubsters, feminist, a reader, a good story teller, sparkly-eyed, in the struggle, not a major drinker/drugger.
Go here! Go here!

Ad #5:
27yo chubby queer femme seeks makeout partner(s). Prefer faggy style and attitude, queer masculinities, kinky folks and fatties. Hair pulling a plus. Good brain and decent politics preferred–nothing makes for a hotter makeout than some really good conversation first.
Click here!

Ad #6:
29yo crafty femme writer/drummer/aspiring massage therapist seeks smart pretty girls for bike rides, city adventures, kisses and maybe more. I’m colorful and charming and love long conversations, crayons, gin & tonics, brass bands, new discoveries and all things queer. Bonus points for other makers of things (artists, builders, crafters) and/or activist folk. But no poly stuff for me, thanks — I’m a one-woman girl.
Click here, nu?

Ad #7: Bubbe(ish) seeks sometimes Zayde
26 y.o. bubbe seeks sweetheart with some zaydie appeal. homebody looking for someone to get her out of the house more, but not that much more. some things that i especially like include graphic novels, baking, dogs, fermenting things, high thread counts, popcorn.
A link for you!

Ad #8: Fag 4 Fag
Pretty boy seeks fags for spring flings and hot times. You are: forward, switchy-to-toppy, and playful. I am: forward, switchy-to-bottomy, Patsy to your Edina. I’ll make you breakfast if you buy me dinner.
The link, my dears?

Ad #9
26 year-old femme with sparks of dykeyness seeks hotness on the butch side. I like using my hands when I talk, eating good cheese, helping people move, and wearing summer dresses. I’m looking for someone with a big heart (maybe you also like to help people move?) who likes feminism. Brighton Beach lovers get extra points.
Click! Click! Click!

Ad #10: Wanted: Rooster, from Annie.
Wanted: Rooster, from Annie. Assignment: Kidnap Annie and have your way with her. Annie counter-tortures by singing songs from the hit musical the whole time. Must have creepy mustache, smarm, smirk. Research materials: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSkcJCifj2I&feature=related ; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AiOH7ETZwU&feature=related
And click here!

Ad #11: you say make-up shift, i say make-out shift….
late 20’s femme queer with upper body strength will carry your groceries home from the co-op if you invite me up afterwards. you: hot smart queer (any of a range of genders a-ok), responsive to a seemingly anonymous pickup, happy to be pushed against a wall but able to push me back. me: as described, with a penchant for kale, chocolate, and overly expensive beer; happy to suffer the indignities of the mandated orange vest if you take it off me later.
Click for the rest of this decent proposal…

Ad #12: Part-Time Teenage Boy Seeks Hot Girl Next Door//Mean Older Boy
Occasional teenage boy (not actually teenaged) seeks hot older girl or boy, or girl and boy together, to explain what all these new feelings and urges mean.
Nu? Click!

In my 33 years of f’kakte dating experiences, I’ve learned a couple things:
• I need someone funny. Wry, dry, mellow, witty irony addicts. Someone who finds me hilarious, but can also match it. Nothing turns me on more…
• … but I also need sincere. Knowing when to be real and not “on.” A delicate balance.
• After many years of self-searching and misadventure, I am both of these things.
• I’m ready to find my guy.

Some other things I’ve learned:
• I’m 5’7.5. Not 5’8”.
• I’ll never be less than 160 lbs again. Fuck the Master Cleanse.
• In my own quirky, neurotic way, I’m hot. (I can accept that now.)
• I love pop culture. Highbrow, lowbrow, unibrow, all of it.
• I absolutely fucking hate the gym. But I love running, biking, yoga, and sex. I’m in shape (just enough) and I love a guy who is too.
• I’m usually attracted to masculine, rugged guys – but if you’re smart and funny and kind, that all goes out the window.
• I live and work in Brooklyn and don’t go to Manhattan much. I’d much rather stay home, write, watch DVDs – with someone who likes to do the same with me.
• When I do go out, it’s usually to the park, the movies at BAM, restaurants, theatre, or a neighborhood café to read/write. I would love someone who will inspire me to try new things in different boroughs.
• I love travel and adventure when I can afford it. Especially outdoor adventures. The riskier, the better.

Occasional teenage boy (not actually teenaged) seeks hot older girl or boy, or girl and boy together, to explain what all these new feelings and urges mean.

late 20’s femme queer with upper body strength will carry your groceries home from the co-op if you invite me up afterwards. you: hot smart queer (any of a range of genders a-ok), responsive to a seemingly anonymous pickup, happy to be pushed against a wall but able to push me back. me: as described, with a penchant for kale, chocolate, and overly expensive beer; happy to suffer the indignities of the mandated orange vest if you take it off me later.

if you’d prefer to carry my groceries home, i could also pick you out of the lineup of available cart-pushers, take you past the official walking-a-person-home zone, and have my way with you

Wanted: Rooster, from Annie. Assignment: Kidnap Annie and have your way with her. Annie counter-tortures by singing songs from the hit musical the whole time. Must have creepy mustache, smarm, smirk. Research materials: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSkcJCifj2I&feature=related ; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AiOH7ETZwU&feature=related